My Oniomania: Confessions of a Recovering Shopaholic.
Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) famously stated, gasping, “I have spent forty-thousand on shoes, and I have no place to live? I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes.”
She made this comment when her friend, Miranda, did the math on how many pairs of shoes she had times the price she paid for each of them. Off topic, let’s be real, there is no problem with buying shoes. I love them; they are like art to me, and I will admit that I have way to many that I will not part with. I bring up Carrie’s situation to showcase a life I used to live.
Now I have never and never will buy one pair of shoes for four hundred dollars like Carrie did, but I used to be one who would spend that same amount or more on my credit cards, on different things, in one hour.
When I received my first credit card in my early twenties, I felt like I had stepped into the adult world, and I was on top of it. One after the other, I opened any credit line that would lend me money. I always told myself that I was an adult now, and this is what you did when you were an adult. I would pay them back, I would. How I would do that was unknown to me, but I didn’t care in those moments — it was free money. I was happy swiping that card for anything I could. It was better if I did it in front of people, people I knew, then a feeling of pride would wash over me, and I would be, once again, on top of my world. My world of debt that I was becoming oblivious too.
I remember being 20 or 21, and I walked into my bank and this woman wearing a navy blue power suit with gorgeous high heels opened her wallet and there were cards of every color in there. My t-shirt with the Disney character on it suddenly became itchy, and that small hole in my jeans started to grow enormous in my head. Instantly, I hated myself and wanted to be her. I wanted her confidence, her outfit, and most importantly, a wallet full of cards.
The day an aunt saw me swipe a card at a bookstore and say to me, with a look of shock on her face: “You have a credit card now; good for you!” I was no longer on top of my world, I owned it. My self confidence grew in that moment, and I swiped it three more times, at different places, just because I could.
My love for a wallet full of credit cards didn’t just make me feel like an adult, over time, it became an addiction. I was living in this dream world and feeling great about it. Even though I was only working at a daycare, and the woman at the bank probably had a high paying office job, I wanted to be someone different outside of work. I wanted to wear fancy clothes and wear high heels all the time. I finally had my own apartment without roommates, and I felt, why not? Why not show up to church in that new skirt and new high heels? Why not go out to dinner with friends in those new jeans you just bought and the matching top to go with it. Why not buy new clothes for your Hawaii trip? Why not?
There are those who waist their twenties sleeping with anybody before they “settle down.” There are those who waist their twenties drinking and partying before they “sober up.” Me, I waisted my twenties spending borrowed money I could never pay back.
My youngest brother was starting his senior year of high school, and I wanted to do something special for him. I had been trying not to use my cards that much, it wasn’t due to a realization that I was out of control, (that would be too hard) but because I didn’t want them to all get maxed out. I looked at my Macy’s account and noticed that I had payed down a lot of that card. Excited, I took my brother to the mall and got him a whole new wardrobe. 500 dollars in one trip. My “not going to use my cards so much” ended that day, and I added a new word into my vocabulary: justification.
My justification and this addiction became so bad that I was using my card in the mornings before work to buy a 20 cent banana for breakfast. A person has to eat, and I had to swipe that card every day or else I would get this strange feeling, like I wasn’t being adult enough. I was no longer swiping my cards just in front of family and friends; I would want people behind me in the self checkout to notice that I was using a Discover, Macy’s Visa or whatever card I had to pay for that one small item. I wanted them to see me, the way I saw that lady in the bank.
My justification really kicked in when my brother in-law went to California for Army training and my sister was with three kiddos by herself. I jumped on a plane and went to Hawaii for a two week unpaid vacation on my Discover card to show that I could do what I wanted when I wanted. “I will work hard and pay this off later.” That was my mantra. That was the lie that I told myself over and over.
At first it was a need to fit in, to be apart of the adulting world. Then it became an addiction I could not control. Then it was me, justifying my reason for swiping them. “It’s my birthday. Christmas is coming up. I need to shop for my nieces and nephews. That broke, and I need a new one.” Whatever justification my mind could come up with, I would run with it, and I always felt horrible afterwards.
An addiction for shopping is clinically known as oniomania, and that is defined as an overpowering urge to buy, regardless of need or financial means. This was me. I had developed an I don’t care attitude and anyone who would try and talk me out of shopping, they didn’t understand and they weren’t living my life. Also, I was an adult, and they couldn’t tell me what to do anyway.
Uncontrolled debt is like a toxic relationship. You know it’s there, but there is too much invested to let it go completely. When times are good, they are great. When they are bad, however, they are the lowest of the low. It takes an A-HA moment, like the one Carrie had, to wake one up and realize that something has to change.
Over the course of seven years, I had seven lines of credit open masking over 20,000 dollars. Thankfully, I didn’t have everything maxed out, but I was still drowning in debt, and I wasn’t paying attention to it. I was too busy being an adult without roommates. I was too busy buying new items for a fabulous basement apartment I just moved into. I had to have those shoes! My friends invited me to go with them out to eat; I couldn’t say no.
This lifestyle I was living didn’t come without consequences. After my Hawaii trip, I wasn’t making enough to pay all my bills. I always paid my rent and my cell phone, but the rest would come from a payday loan. Once a month, I would go to the lender, sign my life away at over 40% interest (yes, it is legal to do that if they put the amount in over 20 inch font and on the front page, smack dab- in your face- you sign that page too), and I would carry on with my life as if I didn’t have all this debt looming over me. I would hide it. I would be tight lipped about it around other people. Then, almost over night, instead of justification on why I could use the cards, it was excuses over why I can’t go out or do something.
My a-ha moment came when I realized that my payday loan would be more than my pay check. I had to do something or else I would find myself in front of a judge, signing papers that would grant these creditors access to garnish my pay check, and I would be back at home with my parents.
Let’s get real here, I was an independent woman; I had started my college career, and I was not going back home. I had to bite the pride bullet, take a deep breath, save 900 bucks — CASH, and file bankruptcy. It was the only way I could get out from under the weight of it. Now, am I proud of what I did? Absolutely not. However, it did make me see things differently. It did wake me up to the world of debt and how dangerous it can be. It made me serious about change and changing my life style.
Now, almost ten years later, I am sitting on a savings account worth thousands of my own dollars. I have money every month to go out with my friends and family (of course when this coronavirus is over and we are all ungrounded. I mean… not quarantined anymore). I pay my bills in full each month, and I haven’t waited on a pay check in so long. I know what it feels like living paycheck to paycheck, and I am never living that way again.
I prayed very hard one night for God to help take this addiction away from me. I heard in my heart: “It is not for me to take away, it is for you to give up.”
When that judge asked me why I couldn’t pay off that debt, in front of all those other people, and I felt so embarrassed, that was the day that I gave it up. I never want to feel like that again — ever. And I never want to be so broke that groceries don’t make it on the budget and stretching one box of generic mac and cheese for a whole week becomes a survival skill, but that’s for another post.
To end, let me be clear, I am not saying debt is bad. It’s bad for those like me who can’t control it. For those like me who think that they can and will pay it off — eventually. Believe me, that day never comes. If you are of the group that is smart with credit card debt and you can have the self control I didn’t, carry on friends, continue. If you are like me and don’t have self control, it is okay to spend your own money. In the end, it’s free; you don’t have to pay an annual fee or a high interest fee to use it. Now that is the best feeling in the world.
— — — — — — — — — — — — —
If you want to know my budget system, search for my article: Guilt Free Money is Possible… With a Budget.
